George, Kenny, Cheryl, and Cappuccino Asshole

Ever since I've been working at soul-sucking office jobs, I've longed for my days as a barista in New Orleans. Who am I kidding, I longed for those days since the day I quit, and would probably still be there if they paid more than minimum wage (although if I hadn't left, I would never be able to write my memoirs which will be cleverly titled "From Barista to Barrister." Even though I can never be a barrister because I'm not British, and I'll never write my memoirs because nobody would give a shit. So you'd better appreciate my fabulously alliterative title now).

The best thing about the job was the people. I love nice customers because they're nice, and I love mean customers because they're funny. My coworker Katie and I used to play a game called Customer Bingo to pass the time. We made a list of all the regulars, including those whose names we actually knew and those we'd lovingly nicknamed (such as Cappuccino Asshole), and then chose nine of them to create our bingo cards. One of my favorite regulars was George Two-Butters: a huge, friendly, shy man who always wanted a "a biscuit - with two butters. Two butters." Even though I knew what he wanted and often had it out for him before he even came in the door, he still had to say it. He worked for the Salvation Army, and would usually have some story about how the youth today just don't respect nothing anymore. I also liked Kenny and Cheryl (who ordered black iced tea, no ice and a decaf coffee, respectively). They were middle-aged and tried to act like they weren't dating and/or living together. I tried to act like I didn't know.

I also enjoyed those random customers who would make my day by coming in and saying something really stupid, which I could add to my wall of dumb quotes in the dish room. I understand not being able to decipher all of the coffee jargon, but if you don't know what something means, it's best to ask before angrily making accusations such as "excuse me, there is chocolate in my mocha!" or "this cappuccino has foam in it!" I didn't make those up, by the way.

When there weren't any customers, I would pass the time by creating new drinks, such as the ice cream-espresso-chocolate cheesecake milkshake, which was invented by putting all of the above into the blender. I should never be left alone with a blender and pastries.

I have one more memorable regular to tell you about, but I can't fully explain without photographs, and I don't have a scanner, so that will have to wait for another day.